


The Screwtape Letters

by WeAreStarStuff



Series: Ineffable Parents [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Aziraphale and Crowley Through The Ages (Good Omens), Background Relationships, Multi, Sort Of, their part is in mission reports and letters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:58:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23701225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeAreStarStuff/pseuds/WeAreStarStuff
Summary: Michael and Beelzebub raise the Antichrist, and learn about humanity from their Missing Agents files. They also learn a little about each other along the way. but something isn’t quite right…
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Michael (Good Omens)
Series: Ineffable Parents [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1491731
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19





	The Screwtape Letters

> _I have successfully managed to infiltrate this so called “Garden”. The perimeter is heavily guarded by cherubim but I have a plan to stir up a good bit of trouble and bring further glory to our lord and master. **  
**_
> 
> _Thank you again for this magnificent opportunity to do some real bad in the world._
> 
> _-from the mission reports of The Demon Crawley. _
> 
> _(Retrieved from infernal Records) _

_***_

> _Patrolled the perimeter and found no Enemy forces. Practiced my swordsmanship. _
> 
> _The human Adam is still much the same but the human Eve has been a delight. Just the other day she presented me with a smooth shiny stone. Surely the almighty's goodness shines within her! Thank you again Gabriel for this Glorious opportunity. _
> 
> _-from the mission reports of The Cherub Aziraphale. _
> 
> _(Retrieved from celestial records)_

** _August, 2008_ **

** _(11 years until the end of the world) _ **

Harriet Dowling returned home with her baby, who, on the advice of Sister Faith Prolix, who was more persuasive than Sister Mary, had been named Wormwood.

Thaddeus Dowling returned a week later declaring the child the “spitting image of his old man” and a “chip off the old block”. 

That month, the Dowlings put an ad in The Lady for a nanny. 

When the day finally arrived, only one nanny showed up for the position 1. 

Zir name was Nanny Bee, and it was anyone’s guess if they were male or female. Mr. Dowling was certainly too afraid to ask. Zie wore a sharp suit, with sensible shoes and a no nonsense expression. 

Mr. Dowling was skeptical. Mrs. Dowling was excited to have such a “modern” addition to their household.

Coincidently on the same day the Dowlings hired another member of staff.

Their name was Agent Michael, it was unsure if that was their first or last name. 2 They were the new head of security. They had graduated top of their class in the Navy Seals, and have been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and have over 300 confirmed kills. They were also trained in gorilla warfare and the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. Plus they were trained in unarmed combat. And that was only the things they were allowed to imply. They had been hired on the spot. 

It can be quite funny how things work out. 

You could even say ineffable. 

**** 

“No I will not Zay that, Wank Wingz.” Beelzebub spat at the angel invading zir room. “Thiz izz clearly zabbotage, from your zide!”

“I promise you it’s not. I’ve simply been sent here to monitor the boy's progress.”

“How do I know if I can trust you?”

“Of course you can, I’m an angel. We don’t _lie_.”

“Perhapz not, but you lot zure have perfected the art of zzaying one thing, and meaning another.” 

“On my wings, I promise I will not harm the child. Through any action or inaction on my part.”

“Or my own perzonage?” 

Michael rolled their eyes. “Or you. I will not harm you until armageddon. Are you happy now?”

“It will… zuffice. I of courze promize you the zame.” 

Michael nodded curtly and left the Prince of Hell’s modest, living quarters, a glowing white folder under their arm. 

Beelzebub sighed and returned the dingy folder on their desk. Crowley was Hell’s most accomplished agent before he disappeared. Surely his reports and journals would have some insight into the strange creatures they would be living with for the foreseeable future.

Zie shook zir head and continued reading. A Prince of Hell forced to trust an Archangel. 

What was this world coming to? 

***

> _Just last night Eve gave birth to her first child. She is resting now. From the sound of her screams it must have been a painful experience. And the way the little one has been yelling his little head off makes me think that he clearly hadn’t enjoyed it either. Not to question the great plan or anything, but this whole “live birth” thing feels highly inefficient. _
> 
> _-from the mission reports of The Principality Aziraphale, (3999 BC)_
> 
> _(Retrieved from celestial records)_
> 
> _***_
> 
> _The humans have just given birth to a second son. The older one has been crying and carrying on incessantly all day. I think I can work with this. Provided that pretty little goodie two shoes of an Angel doesn’t catch me out first. But honestly, what’s a little jealousy going to hurt? Aside from the ears of their parents when they start fighting over toys._
> 
> _CONCLUSION: wrath is an inelegant sin. I shall not be experimenting with it further. _
> 
> _-from the mission reports of The Demon Crawley. _
> 
> _(Retrieved from infernal Records) _
> 
> _**_

Michael groaned and brought their head to the antique desk with a gentle “plop”. They had taken up residence in the abandoned bookshop of their last field agent. The Archangel had hoped the records of the MIA Principality 3 would offer insight on humans. Unfortunately, it took them the better part of the night to figure out the organizational system of Aziraphale’s reports. 

But cracked it they had, and they were now up to their elbows in all the information Aziraphale had amalgamated on children over the centuries. They had truly underestimated the other Angel. Their dedication to detail was … admirable. 

They found themselves hoping that Aziraphale was alive out there somewhere. If only to commend them on his ethic.

***

“Zo tell me,” Beelzebub says, “Why iz a big shot like yourzelf doing a job like thiz?”

It was a quiet morning, and the prince of hell was pushing the baby Antichrist in what Michael now knew was a pram through the garden. 

Zzze had stopped by Michael’s security tower to.. antagonise them?Perhaps. ZZZe was a demon after all. 

Michael sighed and put down the file. 

“Could ask you the same thing Buzzy.”

“I azked first.” 

“Our agent in London has gone missing.”

“Mizzing?” 

“I have reason to believe that your man Crawly has something to do with it.”

“Crowley abztains from violence whenever pozzible. He callz it inelegant. Whatever happened to our agents, ourz could never have been the inztagator.”

“Aziraphale was a good agent, even if he was slow to fight. He preferred to talk things out. So, forgive me if I don’t believe you.”

“Believe or not, I don’t care. Your agent killed mine.” 

“So you’re here to prove it?” Perhaps a middle ground could be reached. 

“Hell no. I’m here for my Mazter’s zon. Nothing lezz than a duke or an Earl would do for such an undertaking. But Haztur and Ligur are … not good with children.”

Michael was forced to admit Zie had a point. As much as They respected Ligur, he would hardly be a good caretaker for a child. And Hastur would most definitely eat the poor thing. 

The Antichrist in the pram began to scream and the haggard looking Prince of Hell to this as a cue that this conversation was over.

“Come along my lord, let’s see what Agent Crowley left for us on the subject of children.”

***

> _Children are wonderful little bite sized agents of chaos and pain. I say this because I currently have a good twenty of them hiding on this horrible floating zoo. And boy are they giving me a headache. Have any of you downstairs ever tried to wrangle children? Harder than cats I promise you. Still, if the almighty wants to drown them, then clearly the Wrong thing to is to save them. _
> 
> _No sign of the Angel. _
> 
> _Will report again soon. _
> 
> _\--from the mission reports of The Demon Crawley. Mesopotamia 3004 BC _
> 
> _(Retrieved from infernal Records) _
> 
> _***_
> 
> _Ran into demon Crawley in the stables. I am observing from a safe distance. <strike>He seems to have a pack of children with him.</strike>_
> 
> _ <strike>Call me crazy but I’m not sure he’s dangerous. </strike> _
> 
> _***_
> 
> _-from the mission reports of The Principality Aziraphale, Mesopotamia, 3004 BC_
> 
> _(Retrieved from celestial records)_
> 
> ***
> 
> ** _Sinners found and eradicated from the arc project. Report censored and Subject apprehended and re-educated for inflammatory writings. Subject has since been returned to active duty. _ **
> 
> ** _-Archangel Raziel_ **
> 
> ** _-Co-signed Archangel Gabriel _ **
> 
> ***

** _December, 2008_ **

Michael groaned. What followed after the Mesopotamian reports looked like a century’s worth of recipes. Looked like Raziel overdid it with the re-education. 

“Whatcha reading sir?” It was one of the other security guards. A young man. Michael thought their name was something like Terrence? 

“Recipes.” Michael said dourly. 

At this, Terrence seemed to have brightened. “That reminds me! There’s going to be a potluck on the twentieth just us employees, you see. And I was wondering if…”

“You could go? Of course, you have my permission to have the night off.” 

Their subordinate started to play with their hands. It reminded them of Aziraphale. The human looked a little like Aziraphale now that they thought of it. Round body with soft blue eyes. Aziraphale’s hair was different though, more starlight, less straw. 

“Well actually… I was hoping that you might come with me?”

A human outing? Well they were meant to be living amongst humans for the foreseeable future. So maybe taking in human culture would be a good idea. 

Michael gave Terrence a comforting smile. “I would be delighted to accept your hospitality.”

Good thing Aziraphale took notes on human revelry. 

This could be educational. 

“Wow really?” The young human sounded so surprised. “Wow thank you agent Michael. Oh the other lads are gonna kill me though.”

“Of course they won’t. that would be treason. And I will not tolerate treason among my staff. Anyone trying to harm you will be done away with in a heartbeat.” 

“Man, you’re intense!” He squeaked. 

He really did remind her of Aziraphale. They hoped desperately that he was alive out there. Surely they would feel it if that demon dared to eliminate him? 

Still this human was so like their comrade that They had to do right by him. 

****

> _If this young man truly was Her son, then she is more twisted than we anticipated. _
> 
> _The Angel was there too. He was Strangely decorous, given that it was his lot that put him up there. Is it me though, or did he seem disapproving of this turn of events too? _
> 
> _At any rate I doubt I will ever regret tempting him. Makes me feel like I did right by him. Or wrong as it were._
> 
> _\--from the mission reports of The Demon Crawley. Golgotha 33 A.D._
> 
> _(Retrieved from infernal Records) _

_***_

> _Bore witness to the **crucifixion** Jesus of Nazareth. ** Ensured subject** was re**surrect**ed after 72 hours as per my **assignm**ent. Nothing of note to report. _
> 
> _-from the mission reports of The Principality Aziraphale, Golgotha 33 A.D._
> 
> _(Retrieved from celestial records)_

_***_

Michael supposed there was one good side to Aziraphale’s brain damage at the hands of the Lord of Secrets. There were recipes upon recipes to choose from. From Simple ones like rice to complex ones like coq a vin. 

The Archangel found a simple curry recipe and committed to it. Even though some of it felt like nonsense. (Wasn’t dark chocolate a desert?)

After three days of practice, They finally managed to make something that looked vaguely like Aziraphale’s drawing. 

They took a spoonful out of the pot and held it close to their mouth. The spoon seemed to be quivering of its own accord. They were the Archangel Michael, they wouldn’t get shaky hands from gross matter. 

Especially not from something a principality did often. How absurd. 

They shoved it in their mouth quickly and the flames of hell began to consume them. 

It started with their mouth as would be reasonable since that was the origin of their sin. They tried to breathe but that only made the flames on their tongue hotter 4. 

Hubris. This was the price for their hubris plain and simple. Clearly Aziraphale took some sort of precaution before consuming the humans’ food. How foolish of them to assume otherwise. 

And now they were going to fall for their arrogance.

Eventually the fires died down and they felt… the same. Their tongue still tingled with residual pain. But they were still holy. Still pure. Still them. 

“Michael!” Gabriel was standing in a corner. Michael felt that old pinch of irritation between their eyebrows that happened whenever they saw him. “I sensed your distress. I came right away.”

“And prepared for battle too, I can see.” Michael said cooly, eying Gabriel’s sharp grey and purple suit. 

“I brought a sword!” And Michael secretly thought, he was unlikely to use it. Be just a little too slow to act and an embarrassing little problem would be simply erased. 

Seriously, how the glorified head of the mailroom ended up running the show was anyone’s guess. 

****

They wore a grey pantsuit pressed to perfection.They were an angel. They could look no other way.

The Dowlings had been kind enough to allow the use of their ballroom. Apparently Thaddeus had some idea of a decoy party to throw off potential terrorist threats. They couldn’t figure out who put such an absurd idea in his head. Humans were truly strange creatures. 

The party itself was simple and quiet. Funny. Aziraphale made it sound like there would be more mind altering substances. 

Terrence had left some time ago to fetch drinks but Michael didn’t mind much. It gave them time to stew over Gabriel’s “social call”. 

“Well,well, well, I wasn’t expecting you to be here.” Beelzebub appeared over their shoulder, and stuck zir fork into their cake. Ze took a large portion off their plate, swallowing it whole. Michael tried not to be bothered. But Cake turned out to be a better experience than the “curry” and they had rather planned to eat that. 

“Beelzebub,” They said with a curt nod, “how’s the err” Michael made a subtle hand gesture meaning “the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness also known as “Baby Woody”.

“He’zz a baby. He’zz hardly going to be a paragon of evil.” Zie sounded almost disapointed. 

“Im sure Woody is a fantastically evil baby.” Michael soothed, 

“Doez throwing hiz toyz just to see you retrieve them count?” Beelzebub asked glumly. 

“It must do. Or else why would he be doing it?” 

The prince of hell brightened at that, before smashing every metaphorical light. “I didn’t ask you wank wingz.”

“I know you didn’t.” Michael grinned, “but his evil spirit is exactly why I need to inform you that I will be redoubling my efforts to bring him to the light.”

“Why are you telling me thiz? Aren’t you worried that I might uzze thizz in my favour?”

“I’m an angel. It hardly felt sporting to do otherwise.”

“Zzzporting.” Beelzebub laughed “very well then. In that caze I will be tripling my own effortz. Worst of luck to you, Archangel. May the best occult entity win”

“I’m ethereal, but Thank you Your Disgrace.”

“Zzzo, did You know potluckz were one of Peztillenz’s?”

“Were they really?”

“All thoze germs getting to all that zitting food? It waz definitely one of hiz.”

“I wonder how retirement is treating him.”

“Not well. I heard he’z planning another big one. But vaccines really have taken the wind out of hiz zzzails.” 

Michael let out a loud bark of a laugh. “I’m sorry.”

Beelzebub was looking at them strangely. “Itzz okay.”

They lifted up their last forkful of cake. “To good old Pestilence and to the start of an unusual relationship.” 

“ Cheerz.”

And if the way their shoulders bumped was more friendly than violent, well no one was around to point it out. 

***

> _Romans sure know how to throw a proper knees up. I’ll give them that. Lots of sin and the conversation partners are quite refreshing. I look forward to this assignment. _
> 
> _\--from the mission reports of The demon Crowley. Rome 41 A.D._
> 
> _(Retrieved from infernal Records)_
> 
> ***
> 
> _I have been given a place in the future emperor’s household. I figured being a music instructor would be a fine place to start. I figured the lyre might Center him. _
> 
> _No sign of the Demon Crowley. But if he does show up I am certain I will be more than a match for him. _
> 
> _\--From the mission reports of Principality Aziraphale, Rome 41 A.D._
> 
> _(retrieved from celestial records) _

____________________________________________________________________

1  
You don’t want to know what happened to the other nannies. You really don't.

2  
Their full name was a government secret. So was their gender.

3  
Only Michael considered them actually MIA. But Aziraphale had never taken a vacation before. Something was wrong. Dammit!

4  
Aziraphale would deem the dish a little bland but an acceptable first attempt. 

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn’t find room to mention it but Crowley and Aziraphale are totally throwing grapes into each other’s mouths and debating philosophy during that Rome report.


End file.
